Torn in two.

2016-01-08, at 14:58:37
I'm currently sat in Turku airport,
waiting to board the flight that will take me to Stockholm, where I will switch to a different flight that will take me back to London.
Coming home over the Christmas holidays has been a really weird experience.
I realised quite quickly that home doesn't feel like home any more, but neither does London, really.
At home (well, home home, as I usually refer to it by), it's mainly the people that make me feel like home, meanwhile in London it's the familiarity of living in a place and exploring it extensively for months. I've got a routine set up in London, which I don't really have any more when I'm in Finland.
Seeing my friends and family again was, of course, really nice. I'd missed them all half to death, especially my dear cat. At the same time I missed my friends from London, though, and all the shenanigans and mischief we usually get up to.
It's like I'm being torn in two, and I think I will simply have to get used to the fact that from now on, wherever I am, I will always miss someone or something about the other place.
(I also realised I forgot to blog about the Counterfeit gig I went to before I came home before Christmas.
I shall get around to that at some point after my exams are over next week.)

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I believe in the Doctor.

2014-02-20, at 21:57:21
Hello my fellow friends,
I'm currently on my Spring Break (and have been all week),
and I'm spending my break watching Doctor Who.
I've grown up with Doctor Who,
just watching random episodes with my mum here and there when it's been shown on TV, 
since my mum's a Whovian.
This is the first time that I watch the series chronologically,
and it's breaking my heart. It's such a sad show, but at the same time it's the most brilliant show ever made.
It also got me thinking...
I really, really like the thought of the Doctor (or someone similar to him) watching over for us.
Not like a god or anything, but just... someone, looking out for us and protecting us.
There's been signs of help from aliens in the past (e.g. Stonehenge), what if that was someone like the Doctor?
Yes :)

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2013-10-17, at 15:47:00
I was nominated for a "blog your heart out - Award" by Victoria (,
and since I'm probably running around Helsinki at the moment, I decided that it'd be great to schedule this post
so that it's posted... ehrm, well, now.
(Logical, huh?)
1. What and/or who encouraged you to start blogging?
I had a few friends at the time who had blogs of their own, and they encouraged me to start blogging
by, for example, offering to help me with the design of my blog. I also kind of encouraged myself,
because I felt like I just needed a creative outlet and I wanted attention
(it's actually kind of sad, but yes, I wanted attention, and I still do. I think every blogger wants attention, otherwise they'd just keep journals instead).
2. How did you choose a topic to blog about?
The character of my blog's changed a lot since I first started blogging about three or four years ago,
because I, myself, have changed a lot since then. When I first started out, I liked rock music,
I wasn't quite sure of who I was, and I fell hopelessly in love with anyone who paid me even the slightest bit of attention. I wrote a lot about music, about the meaningless things that happened in my life and a lot of posts
designed to show the world how "cool" I was.
I am, however, proud of the nail-art I did at the time. I was very passionate about my nails,
and since school wasn't very demanding at the time, I actually had the time to spend hours on my nails
every week.
Nowadays I write a lot about things that interest me. That's my criterion: I have to love the things I write about.
If something doesn't interest me, I don't write about it, no matter how many readers I'd gain from it.
That's how I choose what to blog about.
3. Something most people don't know about you?
I hate these kind of questions, because I can never think of a single thing that people don't know about me...
Maybe that I dream of my future fiancé (whoever that may be) proposing to me at the London Eye?
Or that I always check for monsters underneath my bed before I go to sleep?
Or that I had a crush on a fictional vampire once (Benedikt from Got Fangs by Katie Maxwell, if you must know.
A book that I highly recommend!)
dark shadows | via Facebook
4. Which three words describe your style/traits?
Style: Geeky, weird, lazy.
Traits: Geeky, weird, lazy.
5. What do you like to do when you're not blogging?
My blog is basically my life, I'd never function properly without it, so it goes without saying that I spend a lot
of time on my blog. When I'm not, however, blogging or planning blog posts, I love to:
read, sleep, watch TV-series, watch films, relax, sleep, eat, spend time with my closest friends,
be weird, sleep, read some more, think about blogging, lie on my bed and do absolutely nothing.
Of course I do boring school stuff too, I spend hours studying every day, but it's not like I (usually, there are
exceptions) enjoy doing that.
Lastly, who would you like to nominate?
Oooh goodie. I hate nominating people, but I never know who to nominate. I have a few close friends
who blog, but not all of them are very dedicated to their blogs, so I'll nominate both close friends and people I "know" through my blog.
Louise, Sofie, JamJam, Malin and Emmi.

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Being a Nerd.

2013-10-08, at 19:21:26
Last weekend I was watching Skavlan with my parents,
when a Norwegian author (among other things) was a guest there. His name is Hans Olav Lahlum,
and he's considered to be Norway's "National Nerd". He holds the world record for longest interview,
where he was interviewed for 30 hours non-stop (that's crazy!)
In a way, he reminds me a lot about Sherlock Holmes: He said he doesn't get tired very easily,
he sometimes forgets to eat because he doesn't seem to have the need to eat like a normal
human being, and he's incredibly dedicated to his work (meaning he writes at least a few
novels a year).
He also talked a bit about the term "nerd",
and that people seem to think it's a negative thing to be a nerd.
He, on the other hand, thinks it's a compliment, because it means you're acquainted with the subject you're 
interested in, and you're an expert on it.
I have to say that I completely agree with him, being a nerd simply means you're very passionate
about something and you know a lot about it - and what on earth is wrong with that?

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Touching wedding video.

2013-10-05, at 13:05:00

Jordan + Devon from Crescent Bay Films on Vimeo.

 I saw this video on Elizabeth's blog yesterday,
and it's the cutest, most touching video I've seen in a long time!
What really got me was the
"Why me? What am I going to do? Will anyone love me? I'll never get married."
part. It's so touching to see that these two found love and were able to get married,
because not everyone has the right to marry the person they love.
Which is wrong. But I'm so glad more and more videos like these are popping up, and that it seems like
the world is becoming more and more accepting towards the LGBTQ-community.
No freedom til we're equal,
Damn right I support it.

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Government Shutdown: Madness.

2013-10-02, at 12:07:28
This is literally my opinion on America at the moment.
In case you've been living under a rock since yesterday,
I can inform you that the government in America's been shut down.
I don't claim to be an expert on the matter, but as far as I've understood it, 
there's a disagreement about the "Obamacare" and the Republicans caused the
government shutdown.
Basically, it all means that the American economy will be affected very negatively
and federal employees are now on unpaid leave until the shutdown is over.
If you want any more information about this, in understandable English, I'd strongly advise
you to take a look at my friend >Elizabeth's post on the topic<.
Her fiancee is also affected by the shutdown, so for their sake, and all of the other Americans too,
I do hope that the American politicians can get their shit together.
Preferably sometime soon.

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2013-09-25, at 18:33:00

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Ireland or Scotland.

2013-09-24, at 10:22:46
I've been thinking about my future studies a bit,
and I've started thinking about maybe studying in Ireland or Scotland 
(their accents are amazing),
if I don't get into King's College.
King's College is still my #1 choice, though. :)
Where would you like to study in the future?

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Rest in Peace.

2013-09-18, at 14:07:00
Kristian Gidlund, a Swedish musician, journalist and poet passed away yesterday.
I've written about him earlier, because he's nominated for this year's blog awards.
I've been following his blog for quite a while now, and anyone who read his latest posts could
guess that his time was up. I was just shocked that it happened so quickly.
He was so young, he fought so bravely and he still had so much life left to live.
He seemed like a truly beautiful person.
Rest in peace.

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Mental illnesses and love.

2013-09-06, at 18:57:45
One of my facebook-friends just shared this,
and I'm so happy she did, because it's something that really pisses me off.
Yes, living with someone who has a mental illness, or any other form of illness, is terribly difficult.
But you can't just leave them because of it. 
Having a mental illness is difficult enough, but having someone leave you because of it,
it must really ruin you and make you hate yourself more than you already possibly do.
If you're going to leave someone just because they have a mental illness that you can't deal with,
please make sure you've tried everything, every form of therapy, treatment et.c. first.
Don't be the person who dumps their partner because he/she is taking up too much of their time.

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Abstract presence.

2013-09-06, at 10:09:08
Last night I had a terrible nightmare,
and it was really awful, but then suddenly I just felt Christian's presence in the dream,
and the nightmare changed into a normal dream instead. It's weird, because I didn't see him
as a physical being anywhere in the dream, I just... felt his presence.
So I decided to draw how I felt when he pushed the nightmare away.
The orange and red tones are really vibrant, which makes me feel all warm and safe.
And yes, he does have a touch of pink in his presence.
Now I'm just wondering,
is it normal to feel someone's presence like this in a dream?
Have you ever had a similar experience?

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Directioner? You must be crazy!

2013-08-29, at 18:06:12
Loius tomlinsone | via Facebook
I don't think there's a single person in the western world who doesn't recognise the boys in the picture above.
So it's quite sad that they're fans are being even more hated on than the band itself.
There are so many people who are closet-Directioners, because confessing your love for One Directions could even make you lose a "friend". I'm not a Directioner, and I'm not saying this because I'm ashamed of them or something, I enjoy their songs and I think they're cute - I'm just not a hardcore fan.
If you say you like One Direction,
there are generally two reactions people can have:

1. "You're being sarcastic, right?"
2. "OK everyone... step awaaaay from the crazy person!"
I hate that it has to be this way, and people discriminating against One Direction and their fans should really
stop for a second and think about how it would feel if anyone insulted their favourite band.
Honestly, if you have nothing nice to say, don't open your mouth.

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Miley Cyrus, The VMA Performance.

2013-08-27, at 14:01:23
I think most of you have probably already seen pictures or videos from Miley's performance at the VMA's,
but if you haven't, here you go. Have your childhood ruined (if you, like me, grew up with Hannah Montana).
Seeing this feels awful, because she used to be someone I actually respected and liked.
Now she just looks like a crackwhore belonging on the street.
Is this some kind of late teenage rebellion?
I know things rarely end well for child stars, but Miley's certainly taking it to the extreme.
I loved her back when she still had her long hair and still could sing,
but I don't know quite how to feel about her anymore.
What do you think about her performance?

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Nicknames vs. Real names.

2013-08-26, at 21:31:46
I've been thinking a lot about nicknames lately,
especially nicknames in relationships. In movies, they always seem to have some kind of tacky 
love names for each other, and I've just been wondering: do people really do that in real life?
Do you have a nickname for your partner?
Because for Christian and me, it's completely the other way around.
He's been called Zota (for some unknown reason...) since forever, and I chose Melody as my nickname many, many years ago. As you've all probably noticed, I never call him Zota. I used to, back when we were just friends,
which is why most of my friends know him as Zota.
I don't have a problem with people calling him that, but in my humble opinion, I think that those who call him Zota are people who don't really know him.
Fangirls, stalkers - and my friends.

I prefer to call him Christian, 
because I think it feels much more intimate, and I feel like I'm speaking directly to his heart.
I also get a special, tingly, feeling whenever he calls me Claudia.
I listen to both Melody and Claudia, but I used to prefer Melody because I didn't like the way Claudia sounded.
Lately, though, I've found out that maybe Claudia isn't that bad after all.
And Claudia fits Christian's last name much better than Melody does. ;)

I do know, though,
that some people prefer to give their partner or their friend a nickname to mark the person as "their property".
I used to give my friends nicknames that only I used, so that people would know I had some special bond
to them, and I suppose that works in a relationship too.
As long as it's nothing overly tacky.
Keep it classy!

So, what's your opinion on nicknames? :)

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You Light The Spark In My Bonfire Heart.

2013-08-13, at 22:26:02
I'm going to bed soon, because tomorrow is the day when school actually starts.
I'll need all the energy I can get, because tomorrow's subjects are history, geography and health. Woo?
First, though, I feel the need to write a post about how sucky long-distance relationships can be sometimes.
I think our relationship has developed a lot recently, because it's only now (almost a year later)
that we're learning to actually talk to each other, how and when we should talk to each other et.c.
So I'd say we're actually doing very well.
This, on the other hand, leads to me missing him more than I've missed him before.
Because when he's being as adorable as any man possibly can be, I just want to hug him tight and whisper 
"I love you" in his ear, but obviously, I can't do that, because there's a stupid, fudging ocean in the way.

I especially miss sleeping next to him. Although my bed is freakishly small (I much more prefer his bed), and sharing that bed with someone often means little to no sleep because you have to try to sleep in the most uncomfortable position ever, I really miss him being the last thing I see before I fall asleep and the first thing I see when I wake up in the morning.
I even miss his stupid snoring.
It's totally worth it, though, because just a few years from now, I'll get to sleep in his arms every single night.

Days like these lead to
Nights like this leads to
Love like ours
You light the spark in my bonfire heart
People like us, we don’t need that much
Just someone that starts, starts the spark in our bonfire hearts


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Veckorevyn's Blog Awards 2013.

2013-08-13, at 22:02:13
"Time and time again, Kristian ensnares his readers with a graphic language and his beautifully written posts.
He writes about his fight against cancer, about the life he'd so gladly like to live, but won't have the opportunity to. The blog elicits a fair share of tears, but also laughter and smiles. Kristian is honest in his writing, it comes straight from his heart, and he leaves no reader untouched."
Much thanks to Jonas Gardell, I stumbled upon Kristian's blog a while ago.
I don't quite know what to feel, except for terrible sadness because of his destiny.
I don't pity him because he's going to die, because after all, death is but the next great adventure.
No, I pity him because of everything that will be left undone and left unsaid after he passes away.
If you read his blog, you know that there are things he'd like to do that he can't do anymore, because his body has decided to betray him, and that must be the most horrible feeling ever.
There is one thing he can still do, though, with your help.
He can still win Veckorevyn's blog award for "The Golden Pen."
I don't want to be that person, but judging by his most recent blog posts, it might be his last great
If you want to vote for him, click >here< or on the picture.
(You have to be logged onto Facebook in another window/tab)
If you want to visit his blog, click >here<.

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"Long-distance relationships aren't real relationships."

2013-08-09, at 18:43:37
What I'm going to write now is something I've already kind of talked about, but I just really feel the need to write it again because of recent events, and it just makes me so very angry when people make rude remarks about this topic.
As you all probably know by now, I went to visit my grandma last weekend. I love my grandma lots and lots,
but I couldn't help but feel a bit annoyed while I was there.
It all started when I told mum I'd just check if Christian was awake, and my grandma wondered who he was.
Mum proceeded to tell her he's my boyfriend, and my grandma laughed.
I don't know why she laughed, maybe she laughed in a good way,
but quite frankly: I don't care why she laughed.
Because I don't think our relationship is a laughing matter.
Our relationship is just as real as any other relationship, if not even just a tiny bit more real, because it's not exactly a piece of cake to make a long-distance relationship work.
I fought long and hard to be able to call him "mine", and at first I was terrified to admit that I loved him,
even to myself. But then I plucked up the courage to tell him I liked him as something more than just a friend, and he was sooooooo slow at first (no offence, love, you really were), but then he finally understood what I meant and we finally started getting somewhere.
He is the best thing that's ever happened to me, he's definitely my better half,
and I love him so much more than I'll ever be able to explain.
People seem to think it's funny that I can't get any guys in my area, but I think it's funny that they don't
seem to understand that I don't want any guys from my area. Because I don't want anyone else but Christian.

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Curious about - Jonas Gardell.

2013-08-04, at 14:13:48
I found this amazing interview with Jonas Gardell yesterday, but unfortunately (and quite naturally), it's in Swedish. It really moved me, because he's so young and he's so despairingly in love with life. 
He really was something special, even then, and you could see a hint of the genius he'd one day blossom into.
I'm also so very happy to see that the interviewer doesn't seem prejudiced against homosexuals,
because this was during a time when homosexuals were still considered as killers, because they were spreading AIDS.
"I can imagine heaven as a place where you're no longer tired, where you don't have to fight anymore.
But I'm going to fight. I'm going to fight for as long as I can, and then I'll just have to lie down in the street and just die someday. *smiles* And... when I do die, that's when I'll finally be free from my despair. Or... that's when I will finally have proven my love for this life." 
(Please send help, this man is clearly starting to take over my life.)

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Why do we still need Pride?

2013-07-31, at 20:21:00
Pride isn't just about homosexuals flaunting their sexuality around like there's no tomorrow, or showing the heterosexuals how proud they are to be homosexual.
Torka Aldrig Tårar Utan Handskar made me realise that. It's not just about having fun
and protesting and showing the world how proud you are of your sexuality.
It's about remembering the horrible past, the times when homosexuals were dying left and right of AIDS,
and the survivors were shunned and hated on because apparently they were helping to spread the virus too. They were murderers.
It's about honouring and carrying on the tradition of the protests
that got the homosexuals and bisexuals the rights that they have today. Because they didn't come cheap,
people actually had to protest to get the laws changed.
And yes, the LGBTQ community have it a lot better now than they did 20 years ago,
but they still have to deal with a lot of crap that heterosexuals don't have to deal with.
And as long as there's any discrimination against the LGBTQ community,
we have to work against it.

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Summertime Sadness.

2013-07-28, at 20:13:00
Pasárgada | via Tumblr
I've always been a sad person, I have my happy moments of course. But it's so very easy for me to get stuck in that pool of sadness that I've created throughout the past years. The fandoms I'm in certainly aren't helping, most of them are terribly depressing with characters dying left and right just as you've gotten attached to them.
Sadness is something I understand, it's basically impossible for me to write a happy story and I feel an odd sense of satisfaction when I can make people cry just from typing down a few little words.
In my opinion, the saddest love stories are the best, and no love story should ever have a happy ending.
Because it's the bittersweet feeling that you get, that's what fuels you.
Lately I've been doing a lot better, I've stayed out of my personal pool, only dipping my toes in every once in a while. This is mostly thanks to Christian, he's made me realise how beautiful happiness can be.
But as soon as he went away, I slipped. I've been slipping in for a few weeks already, and this was just the final push. I've been trying to keep myself busy, trying to keep myself from thinking about him, trying to distract myself with a wide range of ridiculous activities.
I've been out for hours at a time, penny boarding with Malin, just to take my mind off things.
I've tried watching every TV-show imaginable to distract my mind.
I finally ended up on my bed, though, curled up into a little ball of sadness and crying. 
Hence the bad updates and the lack of passion.
I sincerely hope you're having a better Sunday than I am. <3

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